Deal With It!

"Love is sweet misery." Wasn't it Aerosmith who gave us that little nugget of truth? If you're in the throes of a tortured affair, pining for some out-of-reach sexy creature, or dying to know how to delicately dump your girlfriend, you've come to the right place. We can offer words of solace, truths to live by, and alarm calls for you to wake the hell up with. And the help comes in truly egalitarian style -- you get the goods from both sexes. Don't be shy, tell us about your romantic quandries and two seasoned love-sages will give you some balanced advice.

The Question:

I'm a settled and sane 30-year-old guy with my paternal clock ticking loudly 24/7. My girlfriend and I have been together for five years now and are deeply committed in every way. For the last few years, I've been ready to take our relationship to the next level -- having kids-- but the love of my life's been nothing but wishy-washy on the subject. All I ever hear from her is, "What's the rush?" and, "I don't know if I'm really cut out for motherhood". Blah, blah, blah. I don't know what her damage is -- we've both got it made professionally and financially as successsful dot-commers with money and security to burn My suspicion is that she'll never want to have a baby at all. I don't know if I can sacrifice this important life experience for the sake of staying together. Should I bite my tongue and hope she gets bitten by the maternal bug soon, or do I dump her, pronto, while I still have time to find another life partner ?

I can't believe what I'm reading here. If you've been together for five years and wanted kids for the last few, it sounds to me like you just plain want kids, regardless of how you get them. That sounds really selfish. It takes two to make a relationship and if you're truly "setttled and sane", you'll realize that starting a family is a two-person decision. If you're so deeply committed, why would you be ready to bail on the off-chance that you could knock someone else up?

Parenthood is not a mandatory part of the life process. Sure you want kids. Tons of people do. It won't be the end of your life if you don't have them right now. It won't even be the end of your life if you never have them. What about your girlfriend? Are her wishes sawdust at the pulp mill? If you would be willing to give up the last five years in hopes of wrapping your sperm around any willing egg, then perhaps it's your girlfriend that should be jumping ship. Look at what you have. Weigh that against what you want. But don't forget that you're only half of the deal.

This is one of the few times I've heard anyone of the non-childbearing persuasion say he's dissatisfied with a rich girlfriend who doesn't want kids. My first instinct is to call for a round of high-fives and Heinekens…but this obviously goes deeper than that. The root of the problem is that you feel that your time to have children is running thin, and that if you don't act fast you'll be too ancient to enjoy the youth and vigor of your offspring. Reality alert: YOU'RE 30. YOU'RE STILL YOUNG.

I don't know how deep your relationship with your girlfriend is, but it sounds to me like she's more than just a recurring shag (I'm not British, I just wanted to use that word.) And because I know how rare it is to find someone you can truly connect with, I would advise that you be a little more patient but a little more persistent at the same time. Don't let her get wishy-washy when you bring up the subject next time. Insist that she tell you exactly why she doesn't want kids right now. If it turns out that she's simply focused on her job for the time being, then give her a longer grace period and savor the time you have with just the two of you. That will all change once the guy in the blue smock and mask cuts the cord and hands you a brand-spanking new "dot commer".

The Question

Love sucks. I've been in and out of it for 10 years now and I just can't seem to have it go my way. All I want is a serious and fulfilling relationship with a nice guy who'll treat me like the sweet lovin' princess I am. I've tried dating geeks, jocks, artists, musicians, writers, gas jockeys, young ones and old ones and every one of them inevitably turns out to be a colossal loser. They never change. It's like clockwork: three to six months of mindless sex and then it's over. Can all these guys be afraid to commit? Am I just too much damn woman for them to handle?

Impatient

Loose Chick/Hick say:

Dear Impatient:
You may not be too much damn woman for them, but you certainly are too big for your britches. With an attitude like that, what would make you think that you're God's gift to men? After a decade of dating every Tom, Dick, Harry and his bloody uncle haven't you noticed something? What's the one constant in all of these failed relationships with dweebs and losers? I'll give you a clue: It's you, sister! Sure, some guys equate commitment with losing their limbs but I think the majority have a fear of who they're commiting to. Have you stayed friends with any of them? Can you not see their good qualities? Do you really think of sex as a mindless act? If so, why bother boffing in the first place? You get what you give and from the sounds of things, there's no prize in your Cracker Jack box. If you can't bag yourself a hubby then take off those glass slippers and take a long hard look in the magic mirror.

The Question

Dear Deal With It! folks: I'm planning my wedding with my fiancŽ for next spring and during the process I've come to realize some things about my betrothed that make me wonder if we're doing the right thing. The main issue is that she's a Christian and I'm not and it troubles her that she can't convince me to believe in God. It's not that I'm not a spiritual person, but I'm quiet about it and it's a spirituality of my own creation. I follow no one philosophy. I believe we should both be able to have our own beliefs and co-exist that way, but for her it's a fundamental difference and the issue ends up causing huge arguments between us. I wonder if we'll be able to resolve this before we get married or if it will eventually pull us apart. I love her immensely and don't know what to do.

Godless

Loose Chick/Hick say:

Dear Godless,
You're talking to someone who can't decide whether she's an agnostic or an atheist, but suffice it to say that I'm not a big fan of Christianity. That means I'm on your side. I see no reason why you can't just be two peas in a pod with a slight difference of opinion here & there. If you've come this far, this issue shouldn't be enough to break you up. Allow her to have her beliefs and ask her to give you the same respect in return. Or demand it. Or, if your love for her is so immense that you simply cannot live without her, then pretend to let her convince you and live the rest of your God-given life as a big fat lie (and perhaps a ticket to heaven.)

The Question

Hi guys. I'm not sure if I have a problem or if I'm just neurotic. This is the thing: basically, I should be happy. I have everything a modern or old-fashioned woman could want: I have a baby, a wonderful partner, a house and car and amazing, creative job that pays me far more than most of my friends -- everything. But I still feel there's something missing in my life and sometimes fantasize about having an affair. My friends say that it might be because of my crazy unhealthy childhood and that all of these things are just icing. They suggest I seek counselling, but I think that a counsellor would just laugh at me. I have all that any woman could want, why would I want to ruin it with a lover on the side? Help !

Philanderer or not.

Loose Chick/Hick say:

Dear Philanderer,
There's nothing wrong with having a fantasy. Nor do I feel it's necessarily wrong to have a lover on the side. Every relationship is unique and every individual has needs that differ from those around them. When you listed all the great things you have in your life (and may I commend you on being aware of all those great things), you failed to mention your sex life. Sure your partner is fantastic but does he fulfil all your wanton desires? If he does, then perhaps a little counselling wouldn't be a bad idea. And no counsellor would laugh at you. They can appreciate the uniqueness of every individual. If, on the other hand, he doesn't wow you in the sack then a lover is certainly an option that many before you have taken advantage of. But it's not the only option and certainly comes with repercussions (which I'm sure you're aware of). Try spicing up your love life. Greet him at the door wearing nothing but saran wrap or whips & chains or whatever blows your hair back. If your imagination won't allow for it, there are a zillion books & videos more than willing to help you out.

If this void in your life can't be filled by your partner, maybe it can be filled with vacations or joining a Yahtzee club. But if there's no other way to fill it, you better be damn careful. From the sounds of things, no lover could hold a candle to what you have now.

The Question

Please help me deal with it! How soon after a divorce is it safe to let yourself fall in love and how can you ever know if it will be worth losing everything over? I'm a bit bitter, as you may have noticed. My story is this: I waited until my late twenties to marry and got pregnant shortly after. Things started getting bad when I was in my last few months of pregnancy -- my husband would go out all night with his friends leaving me alone and when I had to go on bed rest in the hospital, he basically vanished from my life. I found out after I had the baby that he was cheating on me, and not much later I had to end it. It was too painful. After several years now of being alone and a single mom, I'm feeling lonely but too afraid to risk loving anyone again or letting them get too close. To fill the void in some way, I try to get sex whenever I have the chance. My friends say that I can't live my whole life like this and that eventually I'll have to take a risk again, but for now IÔm too afraid. Any words of wisdom ? Love's Too Risky

Loose Chick/Hick say:

Dear No-Risk
I recently learned, much to my horror, that my favorite aunt had a very rocky relationship with my uncle in the first few years of their marriage. They had four kids in six years and my uncle was sleeping around the entire time. I'm led to believe that my aunt was aware of this but unable to leave him because she was constantly knocked-up with screaming little ones around her ankles and thus quite dependant on him (keep in mind that this was the early sixties - women weren't able to be as brazen then). When she got pregnant with her fourth child, he was so angry at the prospect of having another one that he blatantly took a lover and had nothing to do with my aunt throughout the entire pregnancy or birth. He didn't even go to the hospital.

The funny thing about it is that I only ever knew my aunt and uncle as a unit. They always did everything together, travelled a lot, enjoyed each other's company and truly loved each other. It was really hard to believe that this couple whom I respected and adored had started out in such a sordid fashion.

What does this have to do with you, then? Well, perhaps it's slightly inappropriate, seeing as you left your husband and now live your life like a true independent woman of the new millennium, but what's the harm in taking a risk?